Dublin Welsh Male Voice Choir

           

On a lighter note....

The Tenors

THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.

Top Ten Reasons to Be a Tenor:

10. Tenors get high - without drugs
9. Name a musical when the Bass got the girl.
8. You can show the Sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.
7. Did you ever hear of anyone paying 1000 Euro for a ticket to see the Three Basses?
6. Who needs brains when you've got resonance?
5. Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self improvement section of the bookstore.
4. You get to sing along with John Denver singing "High Calypso".
3. When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.
2. Gregorian Chant was practically invented for Tenors; nobody ever invented a genre for Basses.
1. You can entertain your friends by imitating Julia Child.

The Basses

THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.

Top Ten Reasons to Be a Bass:

10. You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.
9. You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.
8. Or a pre-adolescent boy.
7. Action heroes are always Basses. That is - if they ever sang, they would sing Bass.
6. You get great memorable lyrics like "bop, bop, bop, bop, bop".
5. If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.
4. You never need to learn to read the treble clef.
3. If you get a cold, so what?!!
2. For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.
1. If you belch while you're singing, the audience will just think it's part of the score.

[author unknown]

A Choral Singer's Guide to Keeping the Conductor in Line 


1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch pipe or his own ear, insist on your preference for the piano - and vice versa.

2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, the lack of space, or a draught. It is best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

3. Bury your head in the music just before an important cue.

4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to
quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.

5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet
instrumental interludes are a good opportunity for blowing your nose.

6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your low C was in tune. This is
especially effective if didn't have a low C or were not singing at the time.

7. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have any music.

8. At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting wildly) be busy marking your music so that the climax will sound empty and disappointing.

9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

10. Whenever possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that he must be hearing the harmonics.

11. Tell the conductor, "I'm not sure of the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently.

12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask him as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask his preference for pronunciation, making certain to say it exactly the same both times. If he remarks on their similarity, give a look of utter disdain and mutter under your breath about "subtleties of inflection".

13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to any recording of the piece you are rehearsing. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"

14. If your phrasing differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.


(Taken from an article by Philip Cave in "The Singer")

©2002 Dublin Welsh Male Voice Choir